


The Background Music of a Fucked Up Love Story

by Ratchulous



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Eren Yeager, College Student Eren Yeager, Depressed Levi, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Happy Ending, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm Sorry, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Pining, Schizophrenia, Short Chapters, Slow Build, So much angst, What Was I Thinking?, artist!Eren, brief Eruri, ereri, erwin hid his schizophrenia, i have nothing against eruri, levi is abused, levi is not a masochist, once a month updates, poet!Levi, riren - Freeform, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-03-13 15:50:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3387473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ratchulous/pseuds/Ratchulous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>abandoned and discontinued due to 1. not understanding how mental illness works (would not want to offend or romanticize or anything problematic) 2. I have no idea how the dynamics of an abusive relationship work and I do not want to make something small out of a very serious thing 3. general shitty story :,,) </p><p>this story was going to end with erwin getting up with mike and recovering. Levi got a great job, and Eren supported him, he was there for Levi through everything. Ofc Levi proposes. The smut was going to happen like a couple weeks after Levi gets a new appartment, and proposes like a year afterwards, bc Levi needs time to get his life together. Eren would've had multiple POV's of him dealing with his own problems, and Levi helping him nonetheless. just a really nice/angst fic about Levi and Eren supporting each other. l0l if u want details pls message me. :,,,)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holding On

**Author's Note:**

> To explain the title, all the titles for each chapter will be a song by a band or a cover. I highly advise you to listen to the songs, for full immersion and tone. Please do not hesitate to leave comments, and I accept all constructive criticism. If you have questions about the plot, or characters, or any scene clarification I will most definitely answer. :)  
> ~~~Good luck reading this story, it is very tragic, it is very sad. I do have an outline, so this fic will be very long, and I do not have a lot of time to update frequently so some chapters might be very short. Please don't cry too much, the ending is happy. It burdens me to write my babies sad too.~~~  
> Enjoy my sad tale. <3
> 
> Summary:  
> ~~Erwin Smith, a successful adult who teaches at Maria University, and author of local bestselling novel, Experimentality, took pity on Levi, an adult of slight younger age with no plan after college, and hired him as his editor. As the two 'fell in love', Levi faced Erwin's abuse for 2 years, and never left since he had nowhere to turn to. However on a fateful afternoon, Levi meets Eren Jaeger an aspiring artist with a painting that lulled Levi to just know more about this kid. Levi admires the brat from afar secretly, he never expected to get involved. As Eren gives Levi the healthy relationship he needs, he leaves Erwin and finds a new job working for a bookstore. Erwin chases after the 'love' he thought he had, and loses what's left of his sanity. Tragedy strikes. Rape, suicide, instability. Erwin's strongest can't go on without his last hope. In a Help Center, Erwin regains himself finding real love with Mike Zacharius. As he pursues love, he doubts himself thinking Mike is only a figment of his mind. Resolving everything proves difficult, but all ends well in this fucked up love story.
> 
> I track the tag- ' fic: the background music of a fucked up love story ' and ' ratchulous '

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m losing what’s left of my dignity  
> But I'll fight 'til the end for her heart  
> I'll never give up for what’s possibly  
> For better, for worse, this love must be cursed"   
> \- Holding on by Scary kids Scaring Kids

“We’re here, Levi.”

 

Erwin gives me a glance to get out the car and walk to the door while he parks.

“How long will we be staying here?”

“Only a couple minutes while I look for an important book.”

“Alright.”

I get out the car with a muffled groan of pain that shot between my inner thighs.

As he drives off for a parking space, I trudge my way to the glass doors of Maria Public Library. I reach to open the door but a sore pain burns my arm to open something as easy as a door. The warm air blows on my face, pushing out the bitter cold of winter.

As I walk inside there’s a very nice art gallery to my left, of abstract, surrealism, and sculptures. All of these are neatly dusted, in parallel rows, that are symmetrically spaced. So pleasing to my eyes.

I’m admiring a particular drawing of grey eyes with a sense of emptiness, as if they had been through so much, too much. Those grey eyes were looking right at you, but never made contact, only as if they looked through you. For a still life, the emotions were storming in just these eyes alone, feelings of tiredness, dullness, and wanting to have hope but doubting you deserve anything at all. Such a feeling reminded me of myself, and I found myself relating to these eyes.

Eren Jaeger, College Senior at Maria University. “I'm Losing What's Left Of My DIgnity”

“What a talented artist..” I mumble to myself as Erwin walks in and greets me with a “Hey.”

“What are you looking at?”

“A masterpiece.”

“Levi, these are just eyes, and a college student made this. It’s no masterpiece.”

“This is raw emotion, and it takes a lot of talent to display it in eyes alone. This is one talented college student.”

Erwin glanced at the tag, “Oh, one of my students made this. The young man is a hard worker with a lot of potential, he just doesn’t know where he wants to direct that energy in life.”

From the aura radiating from the canvas, I can tell the artist still tried to do well in school only because he needs to prove his self worth to himself through his grades. I know because I was in the same position when I graduated. Now I’m just an editor for Erwin, the author of Experimentality.

“He’s going to excel in life. Shall we start looking for your dumb book?”

“Hahaha very funny. Hysterical.”

As we walk up a flight of stairs to the second floor, my legs hurt with a pain that makes me sensitive to every step, making the short trip excruciating.

“Do you need help?” Erwin asks me but I can tell he is smirking ear to ear in that big head of his.

“I’m fine, you go ahead if need be.” And need be it was. Erwin left me to endure the pain, but at least he spared me the embarrassment. As I make it through the last step, a kid bumps into me dragging out a muffled shriek from the pain.

“Oh! Sorry! Did I hurt you?” He reaches out a hand and I shrug it off. I’m no fucking charity case.

“Brat, watch where you’re going.” He is definitely embarrassed (or flustered). That red on his face stretches as far as Erwin’s grin. But the vibrant green of his eyes remain confident, and contrast beautifully to the red below them.

“Yeah, right. Sorry again.”

He goes to sit with two friends, one a blonde boy about his age, and a black haired girl with sharp eyes.

I finally get to the second floor, and find Erwin grab 7 books, and make my way to where Erwin is probably having a very sophisticated discussion in his mind. I bet he probably hasn't even noticed I’m sitting right next to him. I've become familiar to the many faces of concentration Erwin has, right down to the when he even takes a shit. His eyebrows give it all away. You see them go up, he’s taking mental note, he’s impressed, but it basically means he will remember what you said or what he read. You see them furrow down, he disagrees, is appalled, but either way he notices the peculiarity of what he heard. It isn't even hard to read such expressions, he makes himself easy to read like a sign. The only thing that has always bothered me is how he never gives those signs of interest to me. He’s lost himself in a book, or in his work, but he can’t spare any of the focus on me.

I get up. My own thoughts mock me, and this man isn't even aware of it. How rude of him. I walk, or more rather trudge around the quiet halls of the library. My thoughts can only be disrupted by the click clack of keyboards, fingers tapping to a melody on the device. I can feel the barrenness of the air, which is suffocating yet too open and too wide. I maze through the aisles of books and stumble upon the blonde boy I saw earlier today. He’s in college, what kind of college kid goes to the fiction aisle of a library? Shouldn't he have an essay to work on?

Then I notice the matte black cover of the book he’s holding as if it were gold. Experimentality is engraved in shiny print letters of black, against the smooth matte black. Then in the lower center, I wince the name Erwin Smith is in the same font yet the black shine is not engraved. Erwin employed me to be his editor when his usual one, a gaudy woman by the name of Hanji Zoe went on vacation for a month and I was offered the position. This was when Erwin and I were nothing but old friends back in our college days. He offered the job to me, a person who finds great happiness in reading, to edit his books because I was out of a job as soon as I got out of school, while he was prospering. After a month of just working for him, he and I slept together. That was the last time I had enjoyable sex, the next time we hooked up we officially started to date as well, and it slowly progressed to the extent of how we are now. All in the vacation time of the editor, we bonded through sex and aesthetics, but not through love. When she came back, the excited editor basically begged Erwin to let me stay so she could have a co-worker, and out of having no other job to turn to I stayed. Now I’m the editor to an small time author with a book that’s probably never heard of to critics, but a huge allstar novel to the residents. It’s almost flattery to see the kid treasuring the book so much. I almost feel like a celebrity. I wonder what that kid would do if he knew he was standing right next to the editor, because I basically know what that book almost was, should have been, but never became.

“Oi, what are you reading?” I tap the kid’s shoulder, he shyly looks to me.

“Experimentality.. Sir.”

“No need to sir me. What do you know about the story so far?”

“Well, I've only just started it a week ago, when it caught my attention on the shelves. I’m not very far, but I’m at the point where the protagonist Ryden is in his first battle against the deranged humans. I've also come to understand they happened because of of a madman experiment gone wrong. And also, I have a hunch that Ryden’s father is this evil mad scientists due to his father’s basement being the key to exterminating the deranged humans. I call them Titans.”

“That’s a very nice theory you have going on there,” He’s right. Erwin is going to reveal the secrets in the second book, but he hasn't announced it yet. He’s also right about the father madman part. “How long do you suppose it’ll take you to finish it?”

“Well, if something very interesting happens and I can’t put it down, I’ll finish it in three days tops. So far it seems promising, and hope I don’t rush too fast to the end.”

“Well we can only hope that if you do rush, the author will just have to make another book to please their fans. And that the editor keeps his mouth shut.” I throw him a wink, and after three seconds of silence I go to the next aisle. I’ll let him process my words, now that I really do feel like a celebrity.

A couple aisles down, I see the girl with black hair again. She’s quietly studying in a corner table from a book I can’t see. That kid with the vibrant green eyes isn't here, too bad I can’t see that cute face of his flush again.

“Aah Levi there you are,” Erwin pulls me away from my thoughts, “I was just looking for you.”

“I was just roaming about. The place here needs some major dusting. The artwork was much more neatly kept.”

“Levi, Levi, can’t go without complaining about cleanliness for a minute can you?”

“I suppose not.”

“Ha ha, let’s go, just let me but this book back.”

We walk to one of the more lonely aisles in the back corner, with my back against the books facing Erwin. He grabs his book and brings it to the right of my head where it’s rightful place was, but I jerk away, slapping the book away from my face, purely out of reflex.

“Wha- OH!” Stunned at what I just did, slapping away his arm like that, he bends over to reach for his book and I know he’s mad. I tiptoe my way into the open mouth of the aisle, where if he touches me, he’s right in front of the camera and people to see.

“Let’s go. I’m checking this one out.” Erwin walks at a slightly faster pace than I, and trying to keep up is not an easy task in the condition he left my legs in. As I hop my way down the stairs, I notice the big ass checkout line, and right at the end of it, the bright eyed kid. Erwin stands in the line and greets the kid, as I walk over, perplexed.

“Levi, this is my student. He is the artist of your masterpiece.” The kid reaches over to shake my hand. Who knows how many germs there are on that thing I have no idea, but right now is no time to be a bitch around Erwin.

“Hi, I’m Levi. Sorry about the rude comment earlier.” I shake his hand and feel the filth, but I give one of my smiles, the half assed ones I've been giving for two years now.

“It’s fine, I should be the one that’s sorry. So, not to be pushy, but apparently I am the artist of your masterpiece? Do you mean my painting hanging up here in the library’s lobby?” He bats his eyes at the sound of me praising him. I guess I shouldn't mind, I’ll let him take the spotlight, we can share that celebrity starstruck feeling.

“Aah, why yes. You know? The pair of grey eyes?”

“Yeah, I named it I'm Losing What's Left Of My Dignity.”

“Yes yes, I really loved that piece, I don’t know exactly how to explain it but there’s a raw emotion behind the eyes that just really look haggard and it takes talent to portray such feeling.”

“Why thank you, I appreciate your words.” The brat’s eyes lit up, and that wonderful shade of green in his eyes seem like sparkling emeralds.

“You’re welcome, you can say I’m a fan.” Maybe that was a bit of an overstatement, but right now I just want to show Erwin I am in a good mood and I just want to rub it in his face before he puts me in my misery.

“I’m very flattered, although I’d like to point out that I wasn't inspired by a sense of tiredness, just a sense off too much energy, but nowhere to channel it, nothing worthy of such powerful impulses. Almost as if it’s lost, and there are too many doors but at the same time not enough.”

“That’s incredible..” _If you feel like you have too many options take all of them kid, because you’re definitely going places in life._ These words hang off my lip as the librarian takes his books and he checks them out. After that he turns back to us as we are next in line.

“Well, bye, Levi, Erwin. Thanks your kind words again.” I know the kid’s name, but he still hasn't formally told me it, so I ask him politely.

“Yeah bye, and I didn't properly catch your name?”

“Eren Jaeger. Bye again.”

“Goodbye.”

And so, my nightmare starts as of now, I glance up at Erwin who is not happy. In fact, his eyebrows are slightly furrowed, which only means he is a raging storm. He is usually good at keeping his cool face when he’s angry, and this only means hes raging fire is actually burning to the surface. That’s how bad it is. That’s how bad I’m going to be punished. Fuck me.

We walk out, and I mentally take note of every place he hasn't bruised yet. From my elbows to my fingers is all good. My upper arms are clean, Erwin doesn't regularly touch them. My upper back has slashes lining them up and down. They’re still irritated, but I spread ointment afterwards and they should be fine by tomorrow, but that probably won’t be the case. The upper front body is the part that’s in best condition. Erwin doesn't touch what he likes, on regular sessions. The part around my nipples are purple only from bite marks and hickeys. My chest has three hickeys from across it. My neck is clean, he hasn't touched that in two days. My thighs are the worst. They've been aching all day. In the inner section I have a large bruise that’s vaguely there but enough to leave a purple shadow that hurts like a bitch. My outer right thigh has one large purple oval about the size of a two small hands. Also the same size of Erwin’s enclosed fist. My calves and shins are okay, there are a few hand marks from being gripped too tightly here and there but it hurts nowhere near to the pain of my thighs.

Erwin gets in the car. He motions for me to get in as well. Regret consumes me as I open the door. Self-hatred spreads through my being as he gives me a kiss on the cheek, and bring a slap to my inner thigh. “MMPH!”. His hand is rubbing the inner portion of my left leg and as he rubs he gradually builds up the force of his fingers. They press on my wounds like putting a fire out with paper.

“Let us go home,” he leans into my ear, “where nobody can see us, eh?” I have a strong kink for public sex, he knows that for sure, but we both know he doesn’t wants to fuck me, he wants to fuck me up.

“Oh.” I nod my head the slightest, and he brings my mouth to his, where he bites my lip hard enough to draw blood. We drive home in silence, as I already plan what I’m going to do to dress my wounds.

I brace myself. 


	2. Torture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'There's no love in this violence...I cower when you're near...It's torture...the scars born out of fear' -Torture by Les Friction  
> ~~~ WARNING: choking, whips, bruises, straddling, beating, suffocating, pain. ~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shhh... baby Levi, It gets better I promiseee
> 
> Author tumblr: ratchulous
> 
> I track the tags- ' fic: The Background Music of a Fucked Up Love Story ' and 'ratchulous'

Erwin is leaning on the bedroom door frame. He wears a smirk, devilish eyes, and a sleeveless tank with the whip in his hand. The whip. While he was parking, I quickly put all my medical supplies in the shower so I could take a shower to soothe myself right after this. Most of his sessions last about thirty minutes, and when he’s mad it’s one hour.

“I’m waiting on you, my strongest.”

That fucking nickname is more like my slave name. He hasn’t told me, and I won’t ask, but I’m pretty sure he calls me that because I am either the longest relationship he’s ever had, or endure his sessions the best. Although I think it’s because I just know how to take care of my body.

“Are you ready now, my dearest?”

I don’t make eye contact. I don’t nod. I look away in silence.

“Let us get started then.”

He walks closer to me where I’m sitting on the bed. He grabs me by the neck, and lifts me with his meaty hands, off my feet to give me a sloppy dog kiss. Disgusting. I’m eye to eye with him, my feet are dangling off the floor, I can feel the blood boiling on my face, and my vision starts to fuzz. My peripheral vision is dimming, but I can still get the message through to him with my eyes how much I despise him. Loathe him. Hate him with all my being.

He throws me by the neck onto the bed where I gasp for air. My sight comes back just in time to see him take his whip and lash at the skin just below my knees. My legs pull back and he doesn’t like it. He takes my ankle forcefully to pull me back, it was strong enough that my thighs raged with the slight friction of the sheets. With my right leg suspended in the air, he takes his whips and whacks my inner thigh with the harsh tool. I shriek like a tortured animal. Because down to the basics of it, that’s what I am. A tortured animal, with no other purpose. The slashes of my thighs drown out my thoughts in a pain that makes me weak enough to beg, but Erwin has no face of mercy.

“How sad, my strongest,” He gives another slash at my thigh, “To think you would've learned from last night. I did a spectacular job on your legs didn’t I?” He rips off my pajama shorts and leaves me in briefs. My purple canvas of thighs are exposed for him to admire his monstrous work. “Your legs look delicious as always. However I have to settle something that’s been bothering me all day before I admire my work. Do you think I’m cluelessly stupid, my strongest? It has been hard to keep myself away from you today,” fuck you, “I could tell your thighs were still raw from the last session,and I was only going to touch them if you weren’t good, but you sealed the deal with your actions today. Do you honestly think I’m cluelessly stupid, my strongest? It was hard to not punish you in front of everyone like you rightfully deserved to. You do this to yourself, and all of this is your fault, and there’s nothing that you will do that can ever help you.”

He brings me to middle of the bed, so my left foot is dangling off the edge of the mattress, while my right one is still in the grasp of Erwin’s hand. He leans down and his sloppy mouth violates my own as he sucks my lips purple, and draws more blood from my mouth.

He positions himself so he’s in the perfect view of my chest, his face looking over my flat breasts that peak at the nipples. What he always find interesting about my chest area is unknown to me, it’s just a stretch of skin, that just so happens to cover your rib cage. Nothing sexy about it to me, but then again, it’s been over a year since I had actual sex that brings pleasure to both, not just a session. He begins to suck maddeningly at around the ligaments of my neck that create a V. He licks the little dip in the center of my collarbones with his tongue, and although that brings no pleasure to me I hitch my breath for the pressure sensitivity that spot has. He travels around the area like a slow snail leaving its wet mark everywhere. Anyone would enjoy this oral pleasure to the chest from their lover. The only difference is that loving snails are forgiving and leave only a wetness, while Erwin is not a lover, he is a leech that sucks your skin purple, leaving a wetness that makes you feel sticky rather than damp.  

When he’s done with feeding off my chest, he finds a new feast on my light purple legs.

As he sucks on my legs tinted purple, the pain brings surface to a darker color of blue against the purple. This time about the size of a large grape. He bites the darkened area, and he sucks a fresh one right next to it. When he’s satisfied with the color, he brings my right leg down so I sit resting only my back on the mattress, holding myself painfully up on two legs. I know not to sit up into a comfortable position, because being comfortable is something I don’t deserve at the moment. He pushes me back so most of my body is lying down and I don’t need to support myself. He straddles me across the waist and this slab of hot man beef that despise so much just looks perfect right now. Fuck me. At a situation so horrendous like this I can’t keep my inner giggling school girl at bay. He reaches over me and I’m fooled, thinking we are going to get intimate, but instead he grabs a pillow and proceeds to knock the violent fluff in my face. Maybe I really deserve such beatings for being foolish.

I’m harshly flipped to lie on my stomach while Erwin sits on my tailbone. With his torture instrument in his right hand, he cracks an array of raised red slashes on the entirety of my back. I grip the bed sheets in excruciating pain. My back has never scarred under his whip, but the redness leaves bruises that leave me aching for days. The pain runs through the thick lines, and seeps to the surrounding skin which blushes red from agitation. The familiar wash of aggravation runs through me like your favorite soda. I’m not saying that this pain is my favorite thing to do, but I’m just so used to it, but the distraction from real life is addicting really. I’m not a masochist, I take no pleasure in what happens to me, but my life is centered around it, it keeps me on my feet.

My arms are crossed behind my back, exposing the soft flesh that spreads on my upper arm. As my forearms are crossed Erwin takes his big hands and slaps his big palms against the area above my armpits. He does this hard enough that it leaves red marks of fingers, but not enough to bruise more than just light blue-green. This area of skin is not used to such abuse, so the pain is heightened, which sends my body into actual alert to where I start to become aware of the pain.

This new sensation I’m much too used to lights my eyes on fire fueled by rage. As he slaps the small patch of skin that connects the arm to the armpit, I notice how weak I actually am. I’m not strong to withstand his cruelty, I’m just used to it. Anyone in my position would be used to it by now.. would they?

My thoughts are cut off before I register it, my face is hugged by a pillow, embracing me to enter the painless unconscious. But even Erwin takes that away from me too. As I welcome the serenity of slumber, my senses awaken to an unpleasant sight, and I just wish I were dead.

As Erwin pulls the plush pillow away from my face and I quiver at the beast-like creature in front of me. His white tank is tinted yellow from sweat, and hangs loosely around his underarms, and chest area. His usually slicked back perfect business hairstyle is tousled and greasy. It hangs around his eyes in wet strands colored of sand. The ocean in his eyes are trenches of deep madness he unleashes onto me. He pauses for a moment, he brushes his hair back with his fingers, and makes eye contact with me. My face throughout the entire time, and like times before is just emotionless, and shows pain only when it’s strong enough to break through my self control. Other than that, my eyes are black holes that can suck life out of anything, and Erwin just made the mistake of looking at them. Our eyes lock, and I feel his boiling anger cooling off with the icy glare my eyes casually seem to hold. This is how most sessions end, he realizes what a monster he is and collapses himself to sleep. He sleeps his troubles away.  

When he throws himself on the bed facing down, I know he’s done for tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~The next chapter will be Levi's monologue, where I explain the relationship's past troubles, and clear up some plot holes~~


	3. Space Enough To Grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know that we are all terminal, We sail on borrowed time, It's never about what we leave behind, It's how we live our lives..."  
> \- Space Enough to Grow by Of Mice & Men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi's monologue, and an insight of the relationship with Erwin.

I crawl out of the suffocating room , and drag myself to the bathroom. My prepared emergency kit is hidden inside the bathroom cabinet, and as I pull it out the pain of my body intensifies at every muscle I use. Red slashes on my back hurt me all the way to my fingertips and down to my calves making walking a slow and painful task.

Every breath I wheeze through my mouth is labored and forced. I honestly wish he beat me to death. put me out of my misery al-fucking-ready. Fuck everything about my life.

My body is bare and vulnerable to the cold air, my feet are sensitive to the tiles that they step over. However it’s not as cold as my soul is. I sit on the unrugged white tiles, my scarlet back rests sluggishly on the matter walls painted white with the slightest tint of blue in them. Before I open the box that ensures my relief, I look up at the ceiling. I don’t dare pray to a god. If there was a god, then they’re an asshole for giving me this shit life, so I spare them the hatred. I look up at the light raining on me. Mocking me. Goddamnit. I look at my phone, 6:39pm. So it lasted half an hour, eh? When we got back from the library it was starting to dusk so it was around 5:30, and Erwin took his sweet time finding a parking spot where his car wouldn’t be engulfed in that shit ton of snow. I’m not that mad about his delay though, coming to the room at around 6:00, it allowed me to pack everything I needed in this box, with time to spare.

I open the box, and stop my sulking. The first thing I reach for, an ointment for this raging back of mine. I open the small tube, and squeeze a quarter size to my hands. I lean off of the wall, and stretch my arms so they can reach the span of every line, and every raise. The very action of applying medication hurts. The arms I stretch are swollen, especially the area that wasn’t used to the abuse. As I soothe the whip lines, My body is washed over with a wave of coolness calming down the fire that rushes through each line. I sigh in relief when the sensation spreads throughout me. Next, I plop a moderate amount of lotion in my hands for my thighs. I raise my right leg on a small stool I use to reach the top shelf in the bathroom. FUuuuuuuuUUCK. My thumbs apply pressure to the grape sized hickey, as I rub the wash of purple with my other fingers. The bruise is darkening already around the edges, which makes massaging it that much harder. I spread the chilled lotion all around my legs, and pay attention to my left leg as well. I sit there, thinking, while I attend to my wounds.

I try not yearn for old memories. But I dwell on them more than I should.

I think a lot of how Erwin treated me before this, and how I could have prevented us from being this way. I’ve known Erwin since my college days. I’ve had a crush on him since then, but that crush was only infatuation, I learned, when we started to date. There was a moment of time where I actually believed I had more than just aesthetic attraction towards him, but that bond I held was quickly dissolved with his actions. Me, being a dead end adult with no plan in life, was ‘saved’ by Erwin. He gave me a job, a home, clothes, money, and ‘love’. By love, I mean one night of really good sex. When we graduated and he had just contracted a publisher, we became roommates. I always felt like a burden to him. He was the one who always had money, and he was the one who provided me with everything. I became dependent on him, and as much as I hate to admit it, I enjoyed it. No work, no worries. I cleaned, I did laundry, and I cooked, in exchange for a home. Then when Hanji went on vacation, we had already fucked.

When we went on our first date, he took me to this fancy restaurant. It was a good date, we ate, we talked, and we even fucked. My bitch kink for public sex overcame me, and I led him to the janitor’s closet where it was roomy and clean, because it wasn’t one of those cheap restaurants. It wasn’t as great as the sex we had in our apartment before we went out, but it was okay. He slapped my ass, my neck, and left me nail marks. At first, I thought it was just a kink, but now I just know he doesn’t even get off to it, he’s just monstrous like that. He’s well kept anywhere and everywhere except when we have our sessions. I made the foolish mistake of only loving him for his appearances. Like a fucking 13 year old.

The first time we had a regular session, we had previously been doing BDSM type things. I thought we were going to do our usual tie, blind and fuck, but that first time, he tied my arms at the wrist, while I was in nothing, and an erection from anticipation. But he actually tied me, blinded me, then he brought out the whip for the first time. He had me doggy style, my face buried in bedding, with my ass perked up, and thighs all in his view. He didn’t tell me about the whip. I was taken by surprise when the first thing I felt near my entrance was a leather rod. He whipped my thighs from the inside only to turn the skin red for a few minutes not purple. The next time, he was more forceful, he made them sting for a day or two. By the next month of us dating and having these sessions, I took pride in withstanding being blinded, whipped, and scratched. But I made Erwin mad with my eagerness to spread on the bed and take his treatment. So then he actually punished me by the third month. I remember not being blinded, or tied. I got to witness his beast in the full glory. He had me lying face up, while he sucked very harshly on my chest, and rubbed with force at my nipples. By then, we hadn’t had sex for 3 months and I thought we were going to get intimate but we didn’t. By one year of this, I had started to grow my hate on him. He has started to bruise me, and the whip by now had held black memories.

In our job, we acted like any regular couple, but we both knew how fucked up we were. I hated every session. But one of the main reasons I never broke up with him was because we lived together, worked together, and I had grown too dependent on him. Transportation, money, clothes, food, shelter, just about anything had come from Erwin’s pocket. And because of this, I was basically his property. What a pitiful life I live.

As I rub some lotion on my arm, I recall today’s earlier events. The painting, of those beautiful eyes. They remind me of my own eyes. Grey, dull, lifeless. The kid, with beautiful eyes as well, but in a completely different manner. Just what exactly did he have to go through to portray such a feeling in paint?

Goddamnit, why am I thinking of that now? Ugh. I move my arms in small circles, make sure I can still function my body. I slowly rise from the cold tiles as I let my legs chill in the musky bathroom air. My body feels heavy, the weight of pain sags around my thighs making my movements sluggish and slaved. I have treated myself to the best extent I possibly can, yet I still would have to deal with this pain for two days at least.

I walk out of the bathroom and step into the hallway. I check up on Erwin who is napping his beastiness away. It’s 7:11pm. He shouldn’t wake up until maybe 8 or 9, and then he will eat, then shut himself inside his office.

I usually work best at this time. I take 3 pills of Advil, instead of the regular 2. I cook. I need to regain some vitamins probably, so I make spaghetti and steamed vegetables. I eat. I wash the dishes, and while I’m at it, why not wash the kitchen tops as well. I clean. Cleaning is the most important part of my day, if I want to stay sane. It gives me a chance to get rid of dirt and grime, not only from my surroundings but from my mind as well. I can rid myself of horrible thoughts, I can take my anger out on dust, grease, stains, and odor. The only trash left that I need to take out is Erwin, but he somehow is essential to my sanity as well. If he wasn’t in my life, I might do something foolish, like fall in love, or get a job. Maybe I should find employment, but why leave slave-like conditions in one place when you’re going to do the same thing,at a different one? A 9to5 job? You mean like the one Erwin is consumed in all the time? Yeah, no.

As I clean I hear some footsteps thumping down the stairs. It’s 8:30. His appearance is disgust to my eyes.

“Well, did your shit pinch nicely?” I greet him with my usual unnecessary sarcasm.

“Funny, because it did,” Wow when did he become a smart mouth?

He takes a glass of water and downs it. He must be thirsty from all that gross sweating he did. Sweat that’s probably on me...fucking SHIT.

“So, what’s on the menu?” His hand gestures are harmless, but they scare me so much.

“Just some spaghetti, and vegetables.”

“Oh, were having some spa-veggies I see. Eh, eh?”

“What the hell?” I’m taken back by that shit sense of humor, “Is you ass sore? You just pulled a shitty pun out of it.”

“Clever.” He dismisses our short conversation by serving himself the food that I made without so much as a thank you. Then, like usual, he locks himself in his office, and won’t come out until he decides he needs to sleep.

The clock reads 9:00pm. I slowly climb my way up the stairs. Once I make it to the bedroom, I pull out some nice cotton pajamas that smell like lavender, and a fresh white towel. I lock myself in the bathroom again, and strip so I can take a closer inspection of my bruises. My back seems to be numb from pain, because I can’t feel it yet it’s read like monkey ass. My upper underarms are still sensitive, but at least they aren’t burning with irritation. I lift my right thigh on the toilet so I can inspect the depressing colors on my skin. The light purple shadow has now aged to a dotted dark purple, with a fuzzing green on the edges. The grape sized hickey is a dark blotch on the dotted purple. My leg looks like a kid with paint started to mix all the colors and it all turned into one fucked up mess. My left leg has finger impression of dotted blue all around it. My neck has those same finger impressions, from when he choked me right at the beginning of the session. And my lower feet have red irritation from the whip as well.

Most of the damage is concentrated in places I can easily hide, all except my neck, but it shouldn’t be hard to pull them off as hickeys if someone sees them through a scarf.

I enter the shower, ointment, treatment and all because I just have to get Erwin’s dirty sweat off my already tainted skin. I just can’t stay in the filth, yet alone wallow in it in my sleep. It’s absurd and pig-like.

In the shower, I pick a body wash that smells like cleanliness, not one that smells like douche cologne. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but goddamn when the smell is strong it makes me want to puke shit. I lather the soap on my body with my hands, not a loofah that traps bacteria in those cheap plastic fibers. The soap builds softly on my skin, and I can practically feel the grit dissolving away. I sigh in relief. I rub my bruised thighs, but right now, the color doesn’t bother me because at least it’s clean, and I can pretend that inside it’s clean as well. Next, I pick a shampoo that smells like the same cleanliness, but softly of mint. I run the soap through the fringe of my undercut, and rub my scalp to get it all in there. My fingers graze through the fuzz to cover the hair in it as well. Turning around, I slick my hair back, and let the water rinse off the soap from my body and hair. This is my favorite part. The impurities wash away and leave me anew.

I take my dear time standing in the artificial rain just pondering about unimportant things, then when the it cools off so much, and I run out of hot water, I step out of my blissful shower and pat myself dry. I don’t sulk over the colors on my thighs.

The heat of my shower washes away the pain my body holds, because when I step out I find myself able to walk without a limp.

In my enlightened mood and state, I go to the room prepare myself to go to sleep. I can sleep easiest when I’m fresh from a shower, and my thoughts aren’t clouded with distress.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I am robbed of my slumber when a body decides to pass out right next to me. This being reeks of cigarettes and and it’s breath exudes alcohol. Erwin.

So much for working in his office, eh? How productive my ‘boyfriend’ is.

Erwin is snoring as soon as his head burrows in the pillow. I look at my phone real quick, it’s 4:06am. What the fuck. For all I know, he could’ve been out at a bar drinking himself dead, and only come home because of his stupid pride. He fucking cut me off while I was deep in my sleep. When I put my phone down, the a shine catches my eye.

Oh.

My pill bottle that I keep next to me glares at me with the shine from my own phone.

Sometimes I sleep right next to the bottle of pills which is always half empty. It’s not half full. It’s half empty. Saying it was full would suggest that it once held plenty. This bottle of pills is my collection of times I could sneak them in. I’ve been hoarding these for a year now, when the abuse started to hurt my mentality.

These pills mock my being. I even forgot about them as I tucked myself in my bed, and as I fluffed my pillows. I forgot about the motives behind these, and now I’ve woken up to face a nightmare. I’m pathetic.

These pills I’ve collected over the year, they remind me of all the times I’ve almost given up. Right now, suicide seems like a shadow that grows as the light of hope leaves me. I sleep knowing that these pills could very well be the end of my life. That if I were to come to my death, it would be at my own hand, on my own terms. What a nice way to die, really. Death is something you should accept, not embrace. However, in my condition I find death to be a pillow to hug when you cry. A nice soft presence that muffles all your screams and pain. What a nice eternity.

  
What’s my hope, I ask myself? It’s to prove to myself that I can make it one more day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully I will have a new chapter by Sunday, I'm going to be busy tomorrow so I won't be able to write out the next chapter right away. As of right now, I have no idea what's going to happen in the next chapter, maybe he'll meet Eren, maybe not. It depends on how well the story is flowing together. :)
> 
> UPDATE!!:: Hopefully Iwill ahv ea new chapter by Friday, and from then on, I will have weekly updates every Sunday or Monday. Thank you for being patient, I have late midterms coming up so I will be busy studying. 
> 
> Author's Tumblr: ratchulous  
> I track the tags: " fic: The Background Music of a Fucked Up Love Story " and " ratchulous "


	4. Arabella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She spinal-tapped into your mind and soul...But she's a modern lover, She's an exploration made of outer space...The Horizon tries but it's just not as kind on the eyes.." - Arabella by Arctic Monkeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we add Eren to the mix, and we get just a bit personal.  
> ~~Sorry for the really late chapter, this whole week I will have exams and testing.~~

I wake up to the smell that hovers on sweated pillows, and bed sheets with body impressions. The clock reads 10am, on a Monday morning. I groggily roll out of the bed, ignoring the aftermorning pain, and glare at the fucking swamp of sweat I slept on last night. How fucking gross. I make the bed, as the pain grows slowly through my arms. The bed is done, I take one step, the pain rides up my nerves, and it intensifies with every step I take. I go to my box in the bathroom, and pull out two advils, and a cooling cream for pain. As I rub the lotion on my body, I notice that Erwin has already left to work at Maria University. Good.   
I walk down the stairs with slight limp and go to the kitchen where I prepare myself a soothing black tea. In the meantime while I wait for the kettle to screech, I broom, clean the countertops, and enjoy myself to my thoughts for a while. I am deafened by the howl of the kettle which means the water is nice and hot. My precious black tea sits inside my favorite teacup, which has a custom paint job of Wings on the bottom of the cup. I pour the water in and watch as the tea taints the water a lovely brown color. I carry the cup to the table where I have newspaper to read. I sit, and let the cup burn my palm as I hover my hand over the brim. As I read my newspaper, my eyes wander over to the brown lunch bag which holds a subway sandwich, bottled water, and an apple. Did Erwin forget his lunch here? I sigh. I’m not his fucking caregiver. It’s 10:40, and Erwin doesn’t get his lunch break until 12:30. That’s a good 2 hours until I have to drop it off. Finishing my tea, I head upstairs with sore pain. I go into the bathroom again, and put my hair in a slicked ponytail. I strip down, and grab the showerhead so it won’t wet my hair. I wash my body in water as hot as my tea. I just wash thoroughly and then rinse all off, for a quick shower. I reapply all my ointments, and take a second round of advil. With a towel hugging my ass, I fold my pajamas and put them in the hamper for laundry. Then I go to the room and open the closet so I can examine just what I have to wear. I’m not trying to impress anyone, but maybe Erwin will notice this one time. I choose black jeans that hug my ass, and a V neck shirt of a dark blue. My combat boots are brown, and I am satisfied with my looks. I let my hair out of the ponytail and part it down the center, I don’t style it with gel, that’s too much of a hassle with sticky fingers.

I remake the bed, I don’t take half assed jobs even from me. I sweep the wooden floor, and attend to all the chores of the house. By the time I’m done with all the chores and sit down, my phone reads 12:00 so I get Erwin’s lunch, my jacket, and head out into the tundra.

Driving in my car, I wonder if Erwin’s going to be mad that I bothered him at work. Maybe, maybe not. Who knows? He might even be grateful. I park in the universities lot, and go to the main office. I ask where Mr. Smith’s classroom is and the secretary mumbles directions through her mouth as she rustles papers. I’m not putting up with this, but I don’t want to seems like a complete asshole on a rare time I see the university. So I turn to the lady next to her and ask for directions in the same phrasing. She gives me an annoyed look, but my eyes give looks that really can kill. So she tells me in a manner which isn’t shit to my ears and I head off. Kids come my way in the hallways, and sure as hell it’s 12:32, Erwin should just start lunch. I follow the flow of students, and find the source classroom where they come from. As I push the door open, the classroom is much bigger than expected, it could hold 75 to 100 people in here, and I see why so many kids were in the hallway as I came here. The classroom is large, but it’s empty, all but Erwin and the bright eyed kid from yesterday. What’s he even doing here? I walk down some shallow steps that hurt me slightly, but not enough to change my face. I greet Erwin, and said kid, with a “Hi,” and a half smile, “You left your lunch at home.” The kid’s eyes go wide, what the hell? It’s not like I said pigs are flying.

“Why, thank you.” he gives me a smile that radiates warmth throughout the room. This pig.

“No problem. Hi, Eren.”

“Oh, uhh, hi.” He waves and a red brushes under those green eyes I like so much.

“So Eren, should we continue right now, or will you see me after school?” Erwin asks him.

“Well, after school I’m busy so right now would be best.”

“That’s fine. If you don’t mind though, I will help myself to the lunch Levi brought me.”

I half ass smile, “Well, I’m slightly interested, I’ll stick around.” The kid’s blush fades by now, and those eyes seem to sparkle. Could it be he hoped for me to stay? I just don’t wanna go into the cold.

Erwin takes the sandwich out and sits at the desk next to Eren, as I stand across, just observing. He teaches the kid some boring essay shit, and I stay focused not on the paper, but on Eren’s determination to understand anything he’s saying. When Erwin stops explaining he walks to his desk and tells him to write a small three paragraph essay on some shit, about some book, with some character, that has some importance. The kid flips through the book maddeningly, and mutters through his lips, “I won’t ever need to use this in my life.”

I chuckle. He is so dead correct, “Yeah kid, and let me tell you, start looking for jobs now before you find out you wasted too much money on a paper that holds absolutely no value.”

“Wow, that sounds brutal.”

“It surely is. I’m telling you now, enjoy college while you can. What year you in, kid?”

“I’m a college senior, not a kid.”

“Calm down, you’re barely an adult yet. you’re what? 20?”

“21. Turning 22 in March.”

“Not bad. I’m 26. 27 in December.”

“Isn’t that Christmas time? Is your birthday closer to Christmas or New Year’s?”

“Just do your work, kid.”

He exhales a frustrated a sigh and goes back to writing his essay. Out of boredom, I just look at what he’s writing. Working as an editor really has improved my english skills, so why not proofread his shit before he gives it to Erwin? At least then he won’t make a fool of himself.

“Umm.. Yes?”

I look up at him.

“You’re looking at my work.”

“Is there a problem?”

“No, no. Just wondering why..?”

“Proof-reading. You spelled ‘process’ wrong by the way. p-r-o-c-e-s-s.”

“Oh.” He deletes the extra ‘c’, “Thanks, I guess.”

“Mhm.”

We sit in silence, and for a good 15 minutes I'm correcting some minor mistakes and we finish. The kid’s doing great, more willpower than in comparison to how I was in college. Ha. But, considering how well he’s doing, what could even have happened to him for him to draw those eyes? It still rattles my mind, maybe it’s something important, maybe it’s not. But that was a masterpiece, no doubt.

A couple minutes pass and I ask, “So, what was your inspiration for I’m Losing What’s Left Of My Dignity?”

His eyes wander off, they stare at the paper but they look right through anything and everything. Almost as if he was searching for an answer in his mind.

“I drew that piece a month ago, when it was January. I was going through a period of my life where things just.. weren't in my control. My grades were suffering, and my midterms stressed the fuck out of me. Instead of studying I just found solace in drawing, painting, anything of the arts. So when it was time to take them, I felt as if I had wasted my potential, and ruined my life. Then it was because of my friends that I found myself again. I was lucky, and they’re the reason I’m here at the extra help.”

“That’s quite a story you’ve got there.”

“I guess so. But,” He sighs deeply, “Life goes on.”

This kid has more will than me. I hate to admit it, but, I am sort of jealous. If I had that sort of mentality, who knows what good things would come to me? Hell, Erwin probably would be out of my life picture. Goddamnit, this brat making me want to change my whole perspective of life.

“I see.” Is all I’m able to reply with.

“Eren,” Erwin calls from across the large room, “How’s your paper going?”

“So far, so good. Levi’s helping me.”

“That’s fine. Please give it to me before lunch ends, however.”

“No problem, Mr. Smith.”

He finishes his last paragraph in a jiff and packs his stuff up.

“Hey are you going to eat now? If you are, take me along, I could use something good.” I say.

“Yeah, I’m hungry too. I suppose you don’t know where the cafeteria is so let’s just head out.”

“Well, Alright.”

As we walk down some stairs, and turn many halls, my legs quake underneath my weight, as the injuries I thought were healed burn with the lactic acid building inside me. My face grimaces by sinking my eyes, and furrowing my brows.

“Hey, are you alright?” The kid turns to me as if he’s worried. Worried about me? Ha, he shouldn’t waste his time.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” I’m quick to say an excuse that explain my facial expressions, “Just getting a damn headache from all the ups and downs and lefts and rights. Kid, do you really know where you’re going?”

“I said it before, I’ll say it this time: I’m not a kid. And of course I do, I don’t spend most of my day slaving away here without knowing where to get food to energize me for said slaving.”

“Yeah but on a college diet, all the food you eat must taste like ass. Cafeteria food may as well be frozen pig shit that was thawed and served on a plate, call it mashed potatoes.”

I earn a light chuckle from the brat, and for some reason it’s the cutest, most boyish thing my ears have been blessed with, “Ha ha, no, the food here isn’t quite bad.”

“Hm, yeah, sure.”

We walk a few more turns in silence, then he opens the double doors in a princess manner and there was only one thought that passed through me in three seconds of utmost awe, majestic.

This goddamn brat is makin me spoil him with whatever is left of my affection, and it’s taking all in me not to give him my flirtation as well.

“Well?”

Even the smallest word that comes from his voice is enough to pull me out of my thoughts, “Well.. It’s better than I expected.” And that was true. We were in the first floor, and the windows were draped with red curtains of silk, that had gold accents and patterns. The tables were oval shaped, and had fabric decoration of the same gold and red pattern, but they were lined with clear, disposable, and clean sheets to cover the fabric. The chairs had cushions of base colors, some red, some gold, but not a single stain to be found. Not only was it impressive, it was sanitary, and it met above my expectations of the regular wooden tables with the seats with them, and the surfaces which trap all bacteria on them. The room is large, spacey, and great. Eren motions for me to follow him, and I happily go along. He shows me where the food is stored. In the back of the cafeteria is an opening which leads to the place where food is served. I walk in to find a salad bar, a sandwich bar, the meal of the day, pizza, a station for plates and utensils, and a clear fridge for drinks.

Eren walks ahead of me while I lag behind, admiring the room. When I turn to serve myself, I notice how stylish he dresses, and how tall the kid is. He’s taller than I am, for sure. While I stand at 5’3’, he stands 5’7’. Those dark blue jeans he wears hug him, showing off those nice legs, but that sweatshirt covers what could be a delicious ass. The sweatshirt is rolled at the sleeves and grey mostly, but descends into a gradient black at the shoulders. His beige converse look worn in, and what could have been rainbow laces against black fabric is now a pastel purple with suggesting hints of green, blue, and yellow.

Just like my legs. This thought slaps me across the cheek as I stop checking him out and actually serve myself some food.

I just get a wrap sandwich, a tea snapple, and some napkins. I walk over next to Eren so he can know I’m ready to pay and eat.

“Hey. I’ve got myself some stuff to eat. Ready to pay?”

“Yeah, sure. Just give me a second.” He grabs a kiwi strawberry snapple along with a pizza.

“You actually like that stuff?”

“Yeah, I do. You’ve got a snapple too so don’t try to look funny about it.” What the hell? Does he have glitter for brains? He’s a gigantic dork. A lovable idiot, too. Fuck. Fuck me. I should stop all these thoughts. I need to control myself and this is not the way.

“Not the drink, you dork, the pizza. It’s literally cheese covered bread glued on with sauce.”

“Yeah. Pizza. If anything, it’s not me the one’s that the dork, seeing as I’m the one who actually knows what a pizza is.”

I shoot him a look that says, ‘oh come on’, “Well at least I’m not the one putting it into my body.”

“Mm, college diet remember?”

“I see your point,” and I nod slightly.

We eat in almost silence for the whole of it. And when we’re done he stand up to throw away his tray, and I go to do the same.

“Hey, so before we head back to the classroom, how ‘bout I show you something?” Eren has this chirp to his voice, and I know not whether to be hesitant, or excited right along with him.

“Alright, what’s this about?”

“Relax. I’m not going to haul you around the school. Just come.”

I walk behind him, and we leave the cafeteria. Going up three flights of stairs sears my legs, to the point where this better be good or I’m making him carry me all the way back to the classroom.

We stand at a room that looks like an unused library. However, Eren pulls a curtain and what I see is a beautiful scenery of one of my most hated seasons.

I marvel at the trees and hills covered in virgin snow. I see a lake about the size of a gym covered with a thin sheet of ice, and the beautiful swirls of water have been frozen in ice. I turn to my right, and I see a handsome man admiring the scene in front of me as well. His eyes warm up, and he looks deep in thought.

“You know,” He starts, “I used to hate winter until I came here as a freshman.”

“And why is that?”

“I can’t stand the cold, or the artificial heat. It’s just something that I’ve never liked. When I came here though, my first winter was brutal. It dropped really low, and I hated every second of it. The only thing that made it worth it was seeing through this window how beautiful the season really is. It was Armin who showed me how to enjoy the beauty of life, really. He’s one of my childhood best friends I still love in my heart. The reason I drew those pair of eyes, I’m Losing What’s Left Of My Dignity, is not only to express how I feel about my grades and self-worth, but to show life is beautiful, but cruel. The painting can be interpreted a lot of ways, and for me there are many reasons why I drew it, and why I chose those eyes, with that  feeling and tone. Maybe you have noticed, maybe you haven’t, but my eyes are green. When I was young, they burned with a passion to succeed in everything they tried to do. I don’t know when that fire turned to ashes, and I don’t know how to rekindle it. It’s weird, honestly.You asked what my inspiration for my painting was, and the truthful honest answer was that I had none. I just drew what I felt. My eyes felt nullified, and barren. Nobody has ever asked me what my inspiration was before, and I thank you for asking me, in pure honesty. It’s hard to find someone who will make your day out of the random, and I wanted to thank you for it.” He looks softly into my eyes that hold an ice glare, but I feel my expression thaw on a minuscule level as he opens up to me. Why would he do that? As far as he is concerned, I am no more than a casual stranger. We just happened to meet me by chance. I’m not sure if I’m too closed, or he’s too open. But I do know that I feel attracted to him, even if it’s just infatuation. If I hadn't, then I would have long gone been in my car driving home, or bidding farewell to them for it.

“I’m not good with words,” I half mumble, “I don’t find interest in things often, but I take a hunch towards you. I appreciate the scenery, and the kind words, but let’s head back. We've been gone long enough.”

“Okay.” I swallow words hanging on my lips, I want to thank you to for looking like you actually care. Except, this thought never leaves me, but catches up in my throat, making me feel uneasy. I feel as if I just swallowed my words like dry pills, hurting and regretful. He walks ahead with his posture slightly slouching. How pitiful it looks, It makes me uncomfortable. His stride is usually fueled by fierce confidence, not saddening emotions.

He accelerating his speed by the tiniest fraction with each pace he takes. It worries me, I didn’t wanna hurt him. But then again, he shouldn’t be getting so butt hurt over this. I’m fucking stuck between a rock and a hard place.

We arrive quickly to Erwin’s spacey classroom, where he is correcting Eren’s paper.

“I see you two are back.”

“Yup,” I say blatantly, “I see you’re correcting Eren’s work.”

“I was just about to finish.” He hands Eren his paper which is has no marks on it, but a paragraph on the lower left corner, ‘I saw Levi helped you with some stuff. Much less spelling mistakes than usual. Without all the grammatical and spelling mistakes that have been corrected before hand, this is a well-written paper.’

Eren’s eyes light up for a second, but then drop at the realization his paper was good because I helped him.

“Oh that’s good to know,” He sadly says, “Thanks, Levi.”

I half smile to show him to cheer up, “You’re welcome.”

Erwin stands up and projects, “Well, it’s only five until lunch ends, Eren you should go to class now, the hallways will be crowded.” He grandly announces that Eren and I must leave, it almost makes me sad, “Levi, after this, I will be too busy teaching and grading papers to come home or talk. Why don’t you relax for today?” His words are condolences for the death of today’s unexpected turn of events.

I grab my stuff I left at the desk I was sitting, and put on my jacket. I give a quick hug to Erwin, but no goodbye kiss, and as for the kid, I shake his hands, and I know to make it clear this is not the last time he will see me.

“Well, goodbye Erwin, bye Eren.”

“Goodbye. Stay warm.”

“Bye.."

“Goodbye, and Eren, is it fine if you show me the way back?”

“Eh? Uh- yeah, sure.” He is timid and his eyes say it all.

“Thanks.”

He swiftly make our exit, and I don’t bother to waste time making conversation when we’re out of Erwin’s earshot.

“So, you should call for help on those essays. You’re not that bad actually.”

“Well, sure, if you want.”

“Don’t play with me, kid. I wouldn't offer if I wasn't up for it.”

“Wait so you want to help me?”

“You answer that yourself.”

We walk in a few moments of silence, and as we make it to the double doors, I break the silence.

“So you have a pen or paper to record my number, or can you memorize it?”

“Um, yeah, my phone is good.” The kid fumbles to get it out of his back pocket, and teenage boy clumsiness is just evident in all his actions. I don’t think he knew I was being serious.

“Well in that case.” I take his phone, and he let’s me without complaint as he has the new contact window open. I type in quickly but accurately the digits, and as for the name, just regular ‘Levi’ with no last name.

“Okay, thanks. See ya.”

“Bye.” And with that, I walk out into the cold and head to my car.

~~~~~~~~~

That night, Levi pondered and pondered about his life.

He is a depressed man, need I remind you.

For him, love was something he never knew.

What he experiences with Eren baffles him is love but it tortures him to question everything he has been doing, and everything he is.

It’s not that he doesn’t know he’s in love yet, he denies himself all goodness, and all happiness.

Living with Erwin for two years has led him to believe he is worthless, and deserves Erwin’s cruelty but that is not the case.

Abuse is all Levi knows, and he has grown accustomed to it, morphed by it, lives, breathes, and cases of insanity, enjoys it.

He is not a man of change.

To this depressed man, change means reinventing his whole way of life.

A healthy relationship, a job of his choice, and a genuinely happy life means change.

And Levi, this poor depressed man believe he is unworthy of positive change, at the fault of two abusive years.

Levi has not grown as a person, he has only withered as one.

In childhood, Levi had relatively good parents, with good friends.

His parents did try hard to raise him, and his friends cared a lot for him.

Levi lost his way when high school came to an end.

Not only were his parents poor after paying for college, what used to be a close band of friends dissolved into awkward ‘hellos’ if they ran into each other.

He never really knew what destroyed his close bonds with his friends, Levi tries to comfort himself by saying they grew apart, but somewhere in his mind, he just doesn’t believe it.

And so, a young Levi entered college alone, no support, no friends, no family.

He graduated without a care in the world, and without hope.

Erwin mistakes pity for love, Levi mistakes gratuity for love.

This was Levi’s downfall.

 **  
**And now, that Eren has fatefully entered Levi’s life, change is inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MY BABY  
> ~~ SO as I said, before, I have exams this whole week and because of this I won't be able to update as much as I want to. Hopefully I will start to get into the swing of updating every week, but I still don't know around what days. Right now Sunday-Tuesday are looking best for me. Please bear with me on my odd updating. This chapter took so long to write because i just had to edit everything and I wanted to add a lot of events to happen so yeah. ~~~


	5. MNSTR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The enemy can no longer be contained,  
> I'm running from myself,   
> The creature I buried is now the beast that I've become,   
> We pretend that we can be somebody else" - MNSTR by Crown The Empire
> 
> This song is meant for Erwin's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had no inspiration, then I found this song in an old playlist and everything clicked. I decided since I had Levi's monologue, why doesn't Erwin get one too? Our antagonist needs to be understood as well, you know.

I am schizophrenic

****  
  
  


It eats away at me. It knows only hunger, and never can be satisfied.

I feed on my own leftovers. I know only emptiness, and will take what I can get; which is never enough.

I try my fucking best. I try not to be my actions, I try not to be my thoughts. However, it’s these two exact things which make up character, and it’s these two exact things that betray who I really am. I need to showcase who I am, so I can have control. Or maybe this is who I really am. This is probably who I am. I’m not crazy, I’m just a fucking rotted person. Or maybe I need to make the others know I’m crazy so I can stay far away from them. But can I really leave all I have? My job, my students, Levi? Take Levi. He’s the only one who does you good. Levi is my boyfriend, shouldn’t I free him from my own beast that is myself. He has learnt. That’s why he’s the only one that’s good. He learns to care, not leave. He’s our strongest. He shouldn’t have to be strong in this case. I should be. But you’re too wild. He loves you, and that’s why he’s strong.

Arguing with my thoughts is one of the stressful things I do to myself. They never leave. They don’t leave because without them, you’d be nothing. My thoughts essentially always come from me, and I have no idea if I’m crazy, or I’m just denying I am a bad person. Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s none. But if there’s anything I know, it’s that any healthy, regular person does not questions these aspects about themselves. It’s only obvious.

And I detest this about myself. I know these thoughts are not my own, but in a technical way they are my thoughts that come from nobody but my own self. But are my thoughts really my own? Are anyone’s thoughts theirs, or guided by the way their brain works, or even prejudice from their surroundings? Am I really me? Is Levi really Levi? Is Levi just a figure of my ill mind? What if all those times I proved to myself he was real, I was just alone?

My frustration sets my mind ablaze, and I can’t think. It’s the question if Levi is real that drives me to act like my mind, not who I am. I try to prove he is real, and it’s those bruises and the pain he bears that keeps me from going insane. I didn’t know before that doing such actions would bring me comfort. At first I was experimenting, then I found solace and comfort in my own sick curiosity.

I can’t remember who I was at times. Was I just genuinely crazy a year ago, or were invasive thoughts guiding my life?

When I fell in love with Levi, I took him on for the sake of being good to people. I needed to prove to myself that I could be good, and I also genuinely felt obliged to help others when I was doing well. This belief took me to publish my book, graduate, and hire an editor. But I let myself fuck it up, now didn’t I?

I know now that love is something I don’t feel. I am disinterested in such strong affairs, and although it brings pleasure, I can’t find myself enjoying it or it is never enough. What I feel towards Levi is emotional dependence, not love, not infatuation, not attraction, or even interest. I rely on him to know that I exist, that at least one person exists, and that I can survive knowing of these existences. Maybe he doesn’t feel love, but he feels something that keeps him from leaving. We are not lovers, and we are not partners. This is clear for the both of us, indicated by some sort of unwritten rule. However we lean on each other’s backs, and silently tease the titles of relationships in an unhealthy manner. I know not whether to let him go, or if I should make him stay if he ever stops having these emotions of dependence. It’s selfish of me, but It’s necessary to the parts of my mentality that aren’t corrupted.

HA! I’ve probably been this way my whole life. How else could I, Erwin Smith, be so skilled in hiding this awful truth about myself? Levi is oblivious, Hangi is blind, my students don’t suspect a thing. I am proud of my own deviousness. I am not ashamed of my pride, it’s not moral to take pride of hiding mental illness, but goddamn does it make you feel in control of yourself for once. My actual being is trapped inside itself, as my own craziness lives life for me. I could let my craziness run wild and get help, or I can take control for once and not render myself weak.

But they could find out at any time, if I were ever too reckless. I can’t let them find out, not now that I have such few things under my control. This would make me crumble.

I am as I am not, I am not being. My person is acting with thoughts that are not mine, so I am not being myself. Nonsensical thoughts are the only thoughts I know which that make sense.

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next couple chapters will do nothing to further the plot probably, I still need to figure out how to actually get to the part where Ereri is official, and it happens. Next chapter will be Eren's POV.


	6. When the Day Met the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well he was just hanging around  
> Then he fell in love  
> And he didn't know how  
> But he couldn't get out  
> Just hanging around  
> Then he fell in love"  
> \- When the Day Met the Night by Panic! At The Disco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BET YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN THE LAST OF ME MWAHAHAHA  
> no but seriously, sorry it took me an eternity to post a new chapter. I had it written out a couple days ago, and it took me so long to edit it, and make it flow into the story. But hey, I got it on time for Eren's birthday, so I think I'm good. Someone asked me to develop what you all came here for - the ereri. I tried my best, kay?

EREN POV

Monday. Never a good day. Except for the fact that it is my birthday indeed. As of today, I am 22 years old which means for 22 years I have lived. It’s fascinating to think of your time being alive, how easily it can be robbed from us at any time. Who fucking knows? Death can consume me at any time, when I’m driving I could crash, when I’m walking a car could crash, I could easily walk to my doom when i’m drunk, or I could just have cancer from nowhere. But today is in fact a Monday, which means I would rather be dead than stay half alive through my classes, also morning groceries and such. It’s around 8 am, and although today is the beginning of a long week, as it is the last before spring break starts, but also midterm week. I sigh deeply, at least after this I can relax.

And finally try to make a move on Levi.

Literally ever since I met him some time in late January, I knew I had at least been attracted to him. Why else would I say some poetry piece on literally the first time I actually held a conversation with him? I’ll admit, he has brought out a teenage romance in me, that I didn’t even know I had! In high school and before that, of course I had dating partners both male and female, but I was never sexually attracted to them. Because I never felt sexual urges towards people I knew in the past, I’m still a virgin.

But I’ve been very good at hiding that fact, to the point when last year, when I was turning 21, my horseface friend bought me a prostitute so I could pop my cherry. I had to explain the whole situation to the nice lady, and let her keep the money for the unusual inconvenience. It was such an odd experience, we made moan sounds and jumped on the bed so my perverted friends hearing through the door would get their own licks. Ever since then, I secretly admire sex workers for the amount of shit they put up with.

I was bit taken back when I started to feel these primal impulses towards Levi, a person who I knew. I don’t know him more than he knows about me, which isn’t any special amount. However, we have had multiple study dates, and there is tension. I know he feels it too, because on most occasions he’s the one to blame for ‘accidentally’ brushing over my hand, which leads to me ‘accidentally’ dropping a pencil, so I can ‘accidentally’ seduce him when I pick it up. I’m devilish, alright, I have no problem in stepping outside my comfort zone, or experience zone, when I’m flirting with this man. It’s such a strange phenomenon for me, but I like it.

I roll out of bed and check the time on my phone, 8:19 am, with a text message.

Levi - 8:13

Happy birthday. Don’t get any taller, brat.

I chuckle, this fucking cutie.

Eren - 8:19

brat ?? that’s new haha thx btw

Levi - 8:21

Hopefully you start texting like a normal person, though.

Eren - 8:22

XD XD what i am txting normally

Levi - 8:23

Sure you are.

Doing anything later today?

Eren - 8:24

probably not, classes end usual time at 3. maybe i’ll buy a cake tho

Levi - 8:26

Ok good. We’ll find something to do. Today won’t be shitty.

Eren - 8:27

thats great i’ll text u later when class ends

Levi - 8:29

Alright. Goodbye, brat.

Eren - 8:29

gbye~~

What’s this brat thing about? That’s new...but not quite bad...nice. Well, I have to skype Mikasa and Armin later on in the day before it ends, since I don't see them. Mikasa goes to a college 3 driving hours away, and Armin goes to a different college that’s 3 flying hours away. So really, skyping is the only way we can talk in unison. They’re my childhood friends, and after that, I have horseface Jean, Connie, and Sasha.

What could he possibly have in mind today? I guess I’ll just find out at the right time, I’m not fond of spoilers.

\----LEVI POV----

Levi - 8:23

Sure you are.

Doing anything later today?

Eren - 8:24

probably not, classes end usual time at 3. maybe i’ll buy a cake tho

Levi - 8:26

Ok good. We’ll find something to do. Today won’t be shitty.

Eren - 8:27

thats great i’ll text u later when class ends

Levi - 8:29

Alright. Goodbye, brat.

Eren - 8:29

gbye~~

Cute brat. He doesn’t even have a clue of what I’m planning today.

Ever since that day in January, that kid has been my person of interest. I wouldn’t call it an obsession, but if I become more attached than I am now then it would sure as hell be that. And what do I decide to do about this? Fucking, take him out on a concert date to one of our favorite bands. I have two tickets to see Panic! At The Disco. They’re really significant to me because well, Eren got me into the band and I like their older stuff. He likes the newer stuff over the older but it’s still the same band. Once, Eren said they were like our band, like we are a thing. It was childish more than anything but his face lightening up made up for it. I genuinely like the band too, they aren’t that bad, and Brendon Urie is actually kinda hot. So I’m looking forward to tonight, and I hope Eren enjoys it as well.

The concert starts at 8:00 pm, and it’s a stand-up concert so seats are out of the question. We’ll probably go at around 7:00 though, so I can talk to him on the line.

I’ve also started calling him a brat, and I don’t know why. Just seems right. I think it’s because he gets flustered whenever I do something bold, and he tries to follow up on my lead, it’s adorable really. Like watching a deer walk for the first time.

It’s pretty early compared to when I usually wake up at around 10. Fucking SHIT. I completely forgot about my body. Ugh, it was nice while it lasted, to not be aware of the pain, but now it literally bit me in the ass. Erwin has been up to his usual lately, and slightly worse. It’s still the same spots, inner thighs, upper back, and lately my upper arms which have become resistant over the last month. My body is in the form I mostly see it, tainted with purple splotches. I have to be careful at the concert, when I mosh I can’t mosh too hard, or try to be careful crowd surfing. I go to bathroom, ignoring the pain, and take out my kit with an increased supply of painkillers, and lotion to help my bruises a bit more. When I finish caring to my bruises, I stash the kit ever so neatly in the cabinet.

Walking down the stairs is becoming more of a pain, to the point where I skip some steps while walking down. I try to get used to the pain but, it’s just not working with me. I wonder if I’ll be able to have fun at the concert today. Oh well.

\----------          --------------              -----------                 -------------          -------------       

EREN POV

Eren - 2:48

class ended early. where r u ??

Levi - 2:54

On my way, didn’t know you’d be getting out 10 mins early.

Eren - 2:55

it’s ok. Where are we going?

Levi - 2:54

You’ll see. Wait for me there, I’m driving right now.

I see Levi’s car a couple minutes after our last text, and I immediately hop in.

“Hey.” I greet Levi with a smile.

“Hello, smitten brat.” Levi retorts with those smug grins of his.

“Hello..”

“Happy birthday.”

“Yeah thanks, haha.”

“What are you now? 21?”

“22. I’m hella legal now.”

“Sure, yeah, okay.”

“What it’s true I’m not kidding.”

“It’s okay, I believe you.”

“Oh my god.”

“I’m teasing gosh,” He playfully bumps my shoulder, “I got a great surprise.”

“Am I legal for it?” I sarcastically say, and bump his shoulder as well. He freezes for a moment as I did it, something is wrong.

“Yeah I bet.” There’s the slightest tint of pain in his voice, which is odd for such a deadpan person like himself.

We are in the car, silent. It’s not at all awkward, or entertaining, just none of us wanna talk, and that’s okay. But a ripple of guilt is trembling inside me, for hurting Levi even though it was in a soft, playful manner. For some reason it bothers me slightly, and I ponder about it the whole car ride through

Levi stops the car, we’re here. He parks outside a cafe, ‘Golden Night Sky’.

This is not your surprise, but I’m gonna tell you all about it inside.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Levi and Eren are inevitably falling in love.

Eren has a strong will, and if he tries, he will be Levi’s most needed positive change.

But Eren needs guidance, and he needs help to set his goals.

Levi’s future rests entirely on whether or not he chooses to let Eren find out about his situation, and if Levi will open up and explain the situation as well.

**Oh how the fates will fall in favor of the determined.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a CLIFFHANGER OMFFFF.  
> i will hopefully have a new chapter by Friday, I will try my best :) Also, you should really listen to the song, it is literally perfect for the chapter. :D I hope you guys are enjoying the story so far.
> 
> (( if you haven't noticed, the tags say once a month updates, so because I have such a busy schedule I need this time. weekly updates were just resulting in me writing dry pieces of work with no real feeling in them, so I'd rather write nice, long, good entries, than short, blunt and dry. ))


	7. Fat Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit or recollection right before the concert. :)
> 
> "I walked to the rhythm, of the rhythm of the sea,  
> A memory full, but the soul is incomplete." Fat Face by AWOLNATION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summer vacation has finally begun for me therefore chapters will be more regular now. Thank you for being patient with me, I appreciate it so much.

EREN POV

A concert to Panic! At The Disco. I couldn’t have asked for anything better, in all honesty. Levi and I sit in a snug booth drinking iced tea, mine is green tea, his is black. He tells me that we’re going to be there by 7, so we can stand close to the stage since there are no seats in the concert.

I fucking love concerts. All the wild energy that’s released in the form of crowd surfing, moshing, jumping, and hollering is beautiful. To experience my favorite band live with Levi, is just making me happy already in anticipation. I can’t wait to be a mess with Levi, in a state of utter happiness, so we can bump into each other, and grind on one another. Maybe if we’re lucky I’ll be able catch him from falling when he crowd surfs.

Levi says that afterwards we can relax anywhere. The place is near the city, so we’ll be able to go to a restaurant or small bar if we’re not too tired. Levi says we shouldn't worry too much, and if we want to go somewhere, we’ll find it.

“Oi, Levi?”

“Yes?” He takes a sip and looks at me. His silver eyes make me melt.

“So, why do you call me ‘brat’ now?”

He pauses, as if thinking for his answer, “In all honesty, it’s because I like to spoil you, and tease you about it too.” I don’t know what answer I was expecting, but it looks like he wasn’t finished. “But hey, don’t take it to the heart, okay? It’s not my fault you’re lovable dork with brilliant green eyes.” Even though the second half slurred under his breath, it was enough to make me fire with content upon hearing him say that.

I place 3 dollars under my empty cup, Levi finishes his off and give in a couple singles. I get up and murmur under my breath, “It’s also not my fault you’re a smug flirt with stunning grey eyes.”

He smirks, and we walk out looking to waste time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LEVI POV

I have almost everything planned out. Erwin is completely clueless, but it really isn’t like he cares. I’ve taken the liberty of taking about $200 out of our shared bank account, buying the tickets and the rest is in case we wanna go somewhere else. Erwin won’t care, our account is shared for a reason and it’s not like I use it everyday. I hate living on charity. I'll pick him up in the car, and hopefully i'll find parking. Erwin won’t be home either, it’s a weekday, which means if I’m lucky he won’t even come home at all. He’s busy doing ‘papers’ and ‘taking care of business’ on most nights. So I’ll have the apartment all to myself.

All that’s left is taking care of my body until 7. I have to find a way to instantly heal in 3 hours, seeing that it is around 4 right now.

We were aimlessly walking around, when Eren gets a call. His repetition of yes’ and ok’s give me the impression it’s his mom, or perhaps an older sibling?

He hangs up the phone, “Hey, can we meet up for the concert later? My sister says she has something big for me and wants to Skype, so I gotta run.”

“It’s fine, do you need me to drop you off at your place?”

“It’s alright, I don’t live too far from here.”

“Okay, text me later, so we can meet up for the concert.”

“Yup. Later.”

“Yeah.”  And Eren crosses the road, and swiftly goes on his way home.

~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~

In the bathroom, which is where most of my time in this house is spent, I think to myself as usual.

What is it that I feel towards Eren? I am undeniably more happy when I’m around him. I want to make him feel as happy as I do.

Around the time I started tutoring him, I was determined to look for a new job, or at least a new source of income. I can’t rely on Erwin anymore. I hate that I have to step outside every boundary I have set for myself, but can I really be friends with Eren and drag him into my mess of a life? I would be doing more harm than good. And he deserves none of this bullshit. I hate that this means having to fight alone, having to change my way of life. But this is not sustainable. I will die.

Goddamnit I have to try, not only for Eren, but for myself. This change is for me.

**  
**

My legs are feeling rested, and I have some marks on my lower back, as well as upper chest. I could get makeup to cover these up, but I’ve tried that before, and I felt rather sticky, and as if my shirt was getting stained the whole day. My underarms are feeling sore, and are irritated. Good thing the sleeves of my hoodie cover this.

Refreshed out of the bathroom, I take my wallet, phone, keys, and a water bottle with me for the concert. It’s 30 minutes until 7, I took much longer than I thought to soothe myself. It was completely necessary though.

I call Eren. “Hey.”

“Hey! I’m just about ready to go.”

“That’s good, I’ll pick you up in the car in a couple of minutes.”

“No problem, I’ll be standing outside, near the cafe we were just at.”

“See ya, then.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~EREN POV~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **  
** I intend to find out what was troubling Levi earlier. Even if it is my birthday, he deserves happiness too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be a heavy one, really long, really feels. Also, thanks again for being patient, and commenting. You guys really keep me going while writing this. ^_^


	8. Far Too Young To Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fixation or psychosis?  
> Devoted to neurosis now  
> Endless romantic stories,  
> You never could control me."  
> Far Too Young To Die by Panic! At The Disco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WROTE ANOTHER ONE. IM NOT DITCHING THIS STORY FOR SHIT OKAY :D . but seriously this one was hard to write because I could take it in so many directions I just couldn't :,)  
> But yeah! enjoy :) 
> 
> (BTW for my other fic, i WILL be writing another chapter, but I'm more focused on this one so yeah :^) )

\---LEVI POV---

In the car, I take a final check of where my body hurts. Legs are okay, not feeling sore. Lower back, hurts when pressure is applied, but not unbearable. Upper chest, doesn’t hurt unless i touch the small bruises a lot. Underarms, don’t hurt but sensitive to touch.  

I head out to the cafe, where Eren said he’d be standing outside of. And there he is, in a simple outfit of dark blue jeans, flannel, and nice sneakers. Even though he’s so casual, I look at him and I want to ditch the concert altogether in favor of praising the beauty that is Eren Jaeger. I’m glad I decided to wear something more attractive on myself too, but not as nearly good looking as him. Just black jeans that hug my ass, and simple dark green T-Shirt with wings on them.

He walks towards the car and hops in. His bangs moved the slightest to the left and I found it to be the cutest thing ever as he pouts and puts the hair back in a swift second.

“Hey.” He greets me with a tight hug, and he faintly smells like delicious cologne. The smile he gave me afterwards was worth the second of discomfort.

“Hey, you seem very excited for the concert.” I give a small chuckle, his happiness is contagious.

“Noooo,” he says sarcastically, “Going to a concert to see the band I’ve listened to for years? With a person I really like?” His cheeks are the faintest peach, “I’m not excited at all.”

I play along a bit more, “Shitty brat. Not even grateful for my effort of going knee deep in shit to make his birthday special.”

His eyes light up when I mention the last bit, and his smile genuinely makes me happy as well.

“Thank you, Levi. I actually really appreciate you, not only for the concert but for the tutoring and just you.” He hugs me again, and this time I return it with kindness and I feel so content with just his being in my arms.

“Let us be on our way then.” At a loss of words, I took this hand by the fingers, and brought them up to my mouth. I planted a small kiss on his knuckles, and made eye contact with him. His eyes told me how much he was not expecting that, but what a happy surprise that was as well. He gently pulled away, and touched the place where I had kissed.

I started the car and we were on our way

\------- ------- ------ ------ ------EREN POV ------- ------ ------ ------- ------- -------

He kissed my knuckles and I feel like a goddamn prince.

I can’t shake this feeling of giddiness and I’m not sure if I want it to go away or not.

Levi makes me want to run a marathon if it meant he would be cheering for me at the finish line. The smallest gestures like his shitty humor, and sarcastic plays, and right now just cute moments like that just make me want to confess then and there. But that doesn’t mean I will.

We sit in a comfortable silence, listening to old music from the 80’s on Pandora radio on soft volume. I choose this time to think, as we drive.

I have no idea what his relationship status is. My gut tells me he’s single, because I see no ring and he would’ve mentioned a partner already. But my conscience tells me that whether or not her is single, he probably is single for a reason; reason being he doesn’t want a relationship right now. Otherwise, if he did, he would already be taken. Just look at him and his sexiness. I melt just looking at his jawline, and wondering how fine his collarbones look like. His pale skin is absolutely amazing, and I want to take off his shirt and admire his chest. His shirts fit just the right way for me to see the gentle outline of his body. I would die to see him shirtless, pantless, or just naked.

Whoa. Calm down, Eren.

I look at him out of the corner of my eye. Why does he look.. sad? Or rather, worried?

My full attention is on him, and I ask in a shy voice, “Levi,” I take a breath in, “You don’t look okay.”

He really doesn’t. The furrow in his eyebrows is deeper than usual.

“Don’t worry. We’re here.”

“Oh.” I wish that instead of daydreaming, I would’ve paid more attention to Levi. Maybe if I asked him earlier he would’ve told me and I would’ve made him feel better. “Are you sure?” I ask again, hoping I’m not annoying him, “If you don’t feel well, please trust me enough to tell me. Your happiness matters to me.” It was a bit daring, but I put my hand over his, on top of where he rests his arm.

“I’m just.. Thinking about bad things.” He finally says, in a voice low and rich, but his words seemed strained.

I pout a little, “Well, let’s go. Maybe being in a different atmosphere will cheer you up a bit.”

We’ve parked around the corner to a place called ‘Irving Plaza’.

We get in line.

Our silence feels like a weight to me, I don’t have the strength to hold it for long, maybe Levi does, but not me. So I let it fall first.

“We’re here.”

I don’t let the weight fall, I gently place it down.

“Yes we are,”

It seems like Levi also placed it down too.

“Listen, I’m sorry I took a shitty mood swing, and I want you to know it’s not your fault at all. I’m just..weird.”

I was wrong. He let the weight fall, and I want to pick it back up, in fear it will fall on my foot.

But i’d rather risk a broken toe, than the burden of the weight, “Don’t worry, I’m here for you. It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me the reason why, but please tell me when you’re feeling bad so I can do my damndest to help you, at least.”

“Understand that it will be hard for me to do that, but I will try.”

I smiled at him, “That’s all I ask you for.” I opened my arms for a hug, and he welcomed himself in. I could feel people looking at us, rather than judging, they were stares of, ‘what a nice couple’, and a couple of “aww’s” from the back.

Levi tiptoes and reaches for my ear, “I don’t want to stop hugging, but let’s not put on a show for the fans. They’re here to shit their pants from the artists, not us.”

I laughed softly, my Levi was back with his shit sense of humor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were let inside, Levi and I were watching the opening acts. Him being shorter, He stood in front of me, where he could see the stage as well as I could. There was no seating, the only area for the audience was VIP and general seating, which was a small space. No matter where you were, you would always be able to see the performance, this wasn’t a huge ass arena.

Levi and I had been pretty comfortable just commenting on the opening acts, we had bud light beers and we had a small debate on why Ryan Ross left the band. At some point, he leaned back into my chest for standing support, although he never let any part of his body lower than his back touch me. I wanted to cuddle with him more, but I had to respect his boundaries, which was okay with me, we were having a great time just being like this.

In the middle of the last opening act, people started to crowd surf and I really wanted to but there was no way in hell I’d leave Levi alone. It didn’t seem like he was eager about crowdsurfing, in fact he was annoyed at the people who were doing so. Even though we weren’t in the center closer to the stage, since the arena was small we still got our fair share of surfers to lift up. I didn’t mind it though, it was mostly me protecting Levi from getting hurt, and I just enjoyed being involved with the crowd. Also, It wasn’t like Levi had no reason to be annoyed, he was holding both our beers and his view of the act was being blocked. Not only that, he was at much more risk of being kicked in the head than I was, which is why I made it my job to keep that from happening.

Not long after the crowd surfing started, intermission started, which meant the next band playing would be Panic, so I let Levi finish my beer, and his, along with 3 shots of tequila. He was definitely not sober, but not shitfaced drunk yet. It’s a good thing I know how to drive, or at least how to call a taxi and pay a parking ticket. Levi had another can of beer with him, I didn’t notice when he picked it up but he did.

When Panic came on, people were practically crying, they opened up, and the crowd surfers went wild. I was so happy to breathe the same air as the people whose music made me feel alive and raw. I was shouting lyrics with the crowd, and admiring the drummer’s passion for the songs. As I was just relishing in seeing my favorite band, I was lifting people up, but Levi spilled his beer all over himself. He would’ve freaked out sober, he would’ve shoved the guy into his empty beer can. But he wasn’t, so he shrugged it off, despite his shirt being soaked in beer.. But Levi probably didn’t care right now.

The show is going great. Levi flashes grand smiles at me when he knows that I love the song. We stand side by side so that we can both jump around and bang our heads, although he’s not moving around as crazy as I am. I can’t take my eyes off of him, I feel like he’s the real piece to admire at. The drums are not as long as the pounding of my heart when I see him. The guitars can never be as loud as I am to express my love for Levi. The singer’s voice can never say words as divine, as the ones I think about for Levi. The bass’ notes can never go as low as the depth of my love. Spending this time with him makes me want to do nothing with him for the rest of my life. I could do everything with anyone, but I’m content with doing absolutely nothing as long as I know I’m with him for the rest of my life.

During the a slow song, very late into the concert, Levi calls for me. “Heyy!”, He had to yell to be heard over the music and people, “I’m going to get myself another one of those cans that have beer in them. Since the one I was drinking jerked out of my hand thanks to the big bum who couldn’t keep it in his pants. Don’t get lost. Don’t die.”

I leaned down to him and said, “That’s my part, you’re the drunk one. Be careful.”

“Right-o!” Oh my god what a corny drunk man. I take this as my chance to go absolutely crazy.

The song powerfully climaxes. I let my body be affected by the deep basses, feeling the pulse through the air affect my own heart beat. I feel one with the song. I ask to get hoisted up by some people, and let myself be held up by the hands of strangers literally carrying my life. I feel myself floating, almost. High vocals elevate me, and from this view, I can see everything. I see people just like me, having the best time of their lives. I see people of all sorts, below and around me. Emos that just look like they’re at home, punks that are just losing themselves to the music, a small group of what could be the smallest mosh pit, hell, even short people in the back are sitting some someone's shoulders. Speaking of short people, where’s Levi? I look around for a bit, then find him in the bar. Levi and I make eye contact for a second, when I notice someone lacing drops into Levi’s tequila shot.

My face instantly goes blank, and I almost don’t notice when I am roughly put down by a guard. I am in a completely different place than where I was when I began.

My sense of orientation is pretty accurate though, so I make my way back to the bar, where I saw Levi. Then some fucking moron crowd surfer who doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing kicks my shoulder. I turn around to yell at the dumbass, when I realize, It’s not a moron, and even though they’re lifted by people, they’re not a crowd surfer. It’s Levi. I don’t know how this happened, but he’s soaked in beer, I’m surprised people aren’t disgusted by touching his sticky clothes. I’m surprised that he isn’t disgusted either. Closer to Levi, and I yell at people set him down, and I bring him to the side of the crowd, where not much is going on. Levi is completely out of it, so I take him by the merch table, where it’s not loud as hell, and the lighting is a bit better.

“Levi?” He is leaning on one shoulder against the wall, he’s staring at anywhere but my eyes, “How drunk do you think you are?”

“..Yes?” He rests his head on the wall, and when his eyes meet mine, the absent color washes back over him. I exhaled and I didn't even know I was holding in my breath out of nervousness.

“Levi, how are you feeling?”

“Like I can talk forever.” He stared at my eyes, and even though we were making eye contact, he was looking at my eyes themselves, not me. But he seemed to marvel at them, “Remember the eyes you painted and I saw it in the library? Your eyes are the complete opposite. You’re raw, and full of life.”

I am at a loss of words, so he speaks again.

“Eren, you’re gorgeous.”

I don’t know what to think of this. On one hand, it’s the alcohol talking, but on the other, it’s the alcohol allowing him to say what he truly means. Either way, he said this, and it made me happy knowing that he feels the same way too. Because I think he’s a work of art. So like the hot head I am, I’m going to tell him just that.

“Levi. You make me want to admire your being until the end of time. But you’re intoxicated. Your word is not reliable right now. Maybe the alcohol makes you spit shit or the utter truth, but I can’t tell. I’m sorry.”

Levi has no response, as I’m observing him closely, I wonder if he even understood what I said at all. He gently furrows his brows. For a second, I’m convinced he sobered up as his eyes looked to as if they said, ‘of course I’m being honest, nothing would ever make me say lies to you.’ He breaks our trance, stepping even closer to my face, “I want to kiss you right now. But I want our first kiss to be in a time where I will remember it down to the very last detail.” He hugs me, and I return him with warmth, comfort, and sincere happiness.

The lead singer, Brendon Urie, stops before the very last song to say a few words.

“Do you want to head back for the final song?” I ask him tenderly.

“Of course.” His grand smile puts me at ease, and we head back into the crowd as Brendon speaks.

“This song is about a love story that’s just fucked up from the beginning to the end. Except, this is the kind of song that would happen in the background as it’s rolling, and it just describes this one perfect storm perfectly. For you lovers, I want to tell you there’s no limit or definition on your love. If you love females, love females. If you love males, love males. If you love both, love both. If you love all in between and out, love all them too. If you don’t love, then love yourself. Or love platonically.” As the crowd roars and applauds, I look at Levi who is agreeingly smiling just as much as I am. “We’re Panic! At the Disco, thank you for being here and liking our band. This song is called ‘Far Too Young To Die’”

The audience is wonderful. As everyone yells the lyrics, you can feel how passionate the people are. I’m so happy to experience such great vibes. I could almost propose to Levi right now, as we hold each other by the hands jumping up and down along with the crowd. I love this moment, I will forever remember this. The great vibrations hum inside me and I feel euphoric on music. Levi is having the time of his life, he jumps and dances like a true fan and I can’t get over how amazing he is. The entire band releases their inner beasts as we reach the climax of the song, and the energy multiplies inside me. I can feel my mind buzzing and good feelings are everywhere. What an experience.

As the song and concert come to an end, Levi hugs himself with my arms, and I feel like the only thing protecting him from any and all danger. I get the greatest sense of protection in this small window of time. I feel like I am his sole protector of this precious entity in my arms. The volume in the room has reached maximum between screams and instrumental noise. But as soon as the singing stops, the energy comes to an abrupt halt. The concert ends on the best possible note and the high of the music quickly wears off. The concert was thrilling, I feel elated on happiness, and joy fills my body as I know I got to share this content with Levi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me forever to write becasue I had no idea how I wanted it to go (originally It was going to be they left halfway because Levi would get raped and Eren saw the bruises and Levi was like "i have to go NOW" and I was going to have them talk and argue in the bathroom but it just didn't work out with what I have in mind. And also I had a better idea on how it would go :,) Next chapter is going to be really angsty and long like this one hehehhh. 
> 
> Also thank you for being so patient with me I can't express it enough <3


	9. InfraRed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So I came down to crash and burn your beggar's banquet,  
> Someone call the ambulance,   
> there's gonna be an   
> accident."   
> Infrared by Placebo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy.

Levi POV

The last things I hear are the loud screams coming from both behalf of the crowd and singer during the final song. The body of a crowd surfer crashes onto me with such a force I fall back. Under the influence, my body feels an extreme gravity as I fall for what seems like forever. A weird sensation.

Contact. The dimly lit room already dark, is shadowed into an utter darkness which engulfs me entirely.

My senses are acting on their own, as if the alcohol in my body is blocking my brain from putting them together, and make out the puzzle of the situation I’m in.

****  
  


If I could explain the visuals I see when light is outside of my closed eyelids, I would write sonnets and ballads trying to explain the grainy image. I would try to explain that different shades of black exists in lighter variations than you think. That some blacks are just, lighter than others.

Sound is inevitably heard by my ears. A soothing voice in an alarmed tone. Worrying. The miniscule sounds of saliva being swallowed, my labored breathing, clothes moving as the sound of mattress springs creak.

The foul aftertaste of alcohol lingers on my tongue, unwelcome.

Cheap laundry detergent. And the faintest wisps of pine, under the strong musk of beer on my shirt.

The soreness which paralyzes my body. The prison of my own clothing. Confinements of fabric in the form of skinny jeans, taut T-shirt, and sweaty socks in the swamp of my sneakers.

The embrace of unconsciousness, either from sleep or death, inescapably makes me surrender into its comfort of nothingness.

 

~~     ~~~      ~~      ~~~       ~~      ~~~

Assault of my own mouth. Revolting tastes undesired in me. Breath unable to enter my lungs.

Choking on my own vomit. The thud of my body hitting the floor. Eren’s small scream of concern. Eren?

“Levi! OhmyfuckingGOD.”

Eren, don’t worry about it, I’m just having trouble getting up. Why can’t I get up?

“Fuckingfuck,” A shift in gravity, I am now lying on my side. I hold in my instinct to release my ugly fluid, “Levi. I’m going to try to stand you up.”

PAIN.

My upper chest area is breached and I would tell Eren it’s okay I’m okay, but leaks of the undigested liquor drip down my shirt. Everything about this situation is fucking ugly. Eren gets me up and balance on him, as he is my life support right now. When my eyes hazily find the door of the bathroom, I break from Eren’s hold, I maintain my balance just enough to run to the toilet. As I walk with a fast pace, my mouth drips with disgust, soiling my shirt even more.

Eren beats me to it, he opens the door and toilet lid for me, I thank him with a nod, and I’m hunched over, expelling the toxins out of my body.

I feel so ashamed of Eren having to see me like this. I feel like I completely fucked up this.. date. it was going so well that I would consider this an actual romantic date. Congratulations, Levi.

I pause for a moment, trying to catch my breath and give myself a break, “Levi? Do you need anything?” Eren’s nurturing voice makes me want to shrink. He’s too good for me. “Water, please.”

“Right away.” I hurl once more. I stand up, wipe my mouth, and flush. I don’t dare look at the ugly mixture sitting there. I’ll throw up for an entirely different reason if I do. I wash my hands. I feel so gross. I rinse my mouth, wash my face, and splash water to my hair. This helps in only the slightest bit. Fuck. I hate my shirt. I try to take it the fuck off when Eren walks in with the water.

“I have your water, sorry I took so long, I couldn’t find the cups.”

“Thank you.” I drink a fair amount, considering I haven’t drank anything but alcohol this entire night. “Help me take off my shirt, I feel disgusting,” I say in a breathless raspy voice, “I can’t be in these clothes covered in shit anymore.”

I didn’t mean for my words to come out so sultry, but I couldn’t help it in the condition of my throat.

“Um,” Eren hesitates for the smallest time, but he knows I need help, and this is no time to be sexual, “Yes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Eren POV~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I scrunch my nose at the odor radiating off of him. But I get closer, and will make the effort to get him out of his shirt.

“Levi, lift your arms.”

And he does. I grab his shirt by his sides, softly grazing over his hips.

As I pull his shirt up, I do my damn best to keep a straight face on. Not because of how awkward this is, but because large areas on his chest are discolored. They look like.. as if hands were applying great force to his chest with fingers? I know I’m a virgin but I’ve never heard of this as a kink, at all. Or seen people with hickeys or marks like these at all. Are these even hickeys? I don’t think so. These marks are around his collarbones and shoulders, the hands look like they were forcing Levi down. What the fuck? Below the nipples, and above the end of his rib cage, I see thumb marks. These are thumb marks without a doubt. They make a large splotchy pattern on his ribcage. The sides are where the fingers would be.

“Levi, the shirt is tight around here, I’m going to get it from the other side ok?”

“Yeah.” Levi softly replies to me, I think he’s sleepy. I look at him from his back, and sure enough, the other 4 fingers are there. On his lower back though, I see light tints of blues and greens of the same size hands. And one odd bruise just above his right hip. On his upper back, are lines of the same light blue. These look like whip marks.

Could Levi just be into BDSM? Whips, and hand marks all over?

I lift his shirt up a bit more, where I see more bruises just above his armpits. The skin is red, like a sunburn, but it’s march. I don’t see bruises, but the skin is shiny, so he has some ointment on. Thank god he at least takes care of himself.

Wait. In BDSM, the conditions shouldn’t go as far as to actually hurt the person until they need medicine for it, should it? Because otherwise it would be…

abuse.

 

With the shirt out of the way, Levi faces to look at me.

****  
  


We make eye contact, and he seems unaware of my realization. “Let’s get you to bed, you look tired.” He grins a bit towards me. He walks to the mattress, takes his pants off, and collapses in the same place he was when he woke up.

I take off my clothes and just leave my underwear on, Levi’s smell rubbed off of me and I don’t think he’d appreciate waking up to alcohol fumes in the morning. So I get in bed with Levi, tempted to cuddle him, so to stop myself I turn with my back to him. And on the brink of my sleep, he turns around just to wrap his arm around me, and he whispers, “I am happy, right now.” With a tender smile on my face, I wonder if he was even saying that to me. Was he just saying that to himself? Was he saying it to me? I’m happy with Levi, I don’t think I’ve met anyone that has made me feel this way before. I feel so content with knowing he is happy, even if I just saw marks all over his otherwise beautiful body.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :,,) I'm so worry I haven't written in a million years. High school has my hands aching from essays, and my laptop is so fucking slow from all the google class pages it has to run at once.   
> I hope my writing style has improved, can someone tell me if I can improve at it?? I haven't written in a long time so I feel really rusty. Chapters are probably gonna be pretty short but they'll come every 2 weeks or so, hopefully.   
> I want to thank all the people who ask me about chapters when my updates are, because it keeps me going. As cliche as it sounds, knowing there's at least one person who enjoys this fic makes me want to keep writing forever. 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr: ratchulous  
> I track the tags ' fic: the background music of a fucked up love story ' and ' ratchulous '


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